Expecting an Adopted Child
by Sara Lively, M.S.Ed.
When my second husband and I decided during our 40’s to adopt a newborn, I found that time of waiting for my second son profoundly unsettling. I’d been pregnant and given birth fifteen years earlier, when I tuned into the wondrous changes in my body, blissfully nurturing the little being inside me. Back then I proudly showed off my swelling belly to friends and co-workers, and bought all the baby clothes and equipment I’d need well in time for my due date.
But during the wait for our adopted child, no physical changes marked this important transition. I felt envious of other families who were visibly expecting their biological children. My husband and I had no idea how soon – if ever – we’d match with a birthmother, so we weren’t sure when to prepare our nursery, our employers, and our families. Painfully aware that pregnant women have the right to change their minds after making adoption plans, I was scared to commit my heart (not to mention a room in my home) to a child I might lose.
Nine months after we initiated our home study process with an adoption agency, a courageous birth couple placed our new son Nathan in our arms.
Now, as a family building consultant, I see clearly that adoption expectancy resembles the stages that the pregnant parent goes through. I find that adoptive parents-to-be benefit enormously by intentionally replacing pregnancy with preparation for adopting – one step at a time.
The First Trimester: Accepting Adoption
The first stage in the adoption process may take months or years; it’s not uncommon for people to contemplate adopting for several years before they make the leap of faith. Especially those prospective adoptive parents who have experienced the pain of infertility must mourn multiple losses: the dream of the biological child, the genetic link, and the gratification associated with pregnancy and birth.
It’s important to take time to grieve the losses. It’s also wise to study all the options thoroughly by reading, consulting with and taking classes from objective sources before approaching an agency or attorney. Our culture broadly perpetuates many myths about adopting; responsible adopters need extensive training to embrace the process and to make informed decisions.
The Second Trimester: Envisioning Your Child
Unlike biological parents, all adoptive parents undergo scrutiny through mandatory home studies. Though most at first resent the intrusion, home studies present marvelous opportunities to prepare fully for adoptive parenting.
Now’s the time to work on envisioning your child, just as the pregnant woman becomes aware of the child moving within her. As you choose international or domestic adoption, you can consider what sort of child belongs with you. Are you interested in a child of your own ethnicity, or in transracial adoption? An infant or older child? Can you accommodate special needs or health issues? What about sibling groups?
As you form an image of your new family, you begin your process of connecting to the real child who’s meant for you.
The Third Trimester: Nesting and Homecoming
Once you accept a referral from another country, agree to adopt a waiting child from U.S. foster care, or wait for a new baby to be born, you’re likely to feel extremely anxious. You’ll experience much more than fear that the adoption might not go through. Like the pregnant parent, you’ll worry about the health of your future child. And you’ll wonder if you have what it takes to parent well.
Without the “nesting” instinct that many pregnant women experience before giving birth, the adopting parent in the last phases of waiting must deliberately create physical and emotional space for the child. Slow down and look inward. Buy the basic necessities. Claim your adopted child by choosing a name. Exercise, rest, and eat well.
Many adopters report the moment that they first hold or meet their children as miraculous – a connection we’d never imagined possible. But accompanying the joy is a profound sense of loss. I’ll never forget the experience of leaving the hospital cradling our son Nathan while I watched his birthmother walk away with empty arms. Post adoption depression (like post partum depression) is not uncommon. On top of a major life change, new adoptive parents might feel keenly aware of the losses suffered by the whole adoption triad, and often feel isolated from other new parents eager to share their childbirth stories.
But the sadness fades over time. And in our version of the pregnancy process, we prepare perfectly for parenting: we learn how to make room for the unexpected.
Copyright 2002 by Sara Lively. All rights reserved.